Illuminate me
by fallingtowardstheabyss
Summary: I was young, thrust into a world beyond my comprehension. In my naivety I thought I knew who I could trust. But how can you see clearly in the dark? The truth is a complicated thing.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Twilight. All rights belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**This story is set in an alternate universe. It features certain key events from the original series that you may recognise. Do not assume that they have the same meaning or significance.**

**The characters, though mostly recognisable, are OCC. Remember this, as they do not have the same motivations as the characters they are based upon. If you like the characters the way they are and think they should remain that way then this may not be the fic for you.**

**WARNING:**

**This story will contain explicit language, graphic violence, and possibly other morally questionable content. If you are not a fan of this, I apologise, but it is in keeping with my characters.**

Absently, I gazed at the ring adorning my left hand. Three carats had never seemed so heavy. My life was no longer my own, instead it was simply laid out before me. I would marry Edward. He would change me into a vampire. We would then live a long, and blissfully happy existence. It was decided by the mind reader, verified by the seer. Alice and Edward were delighted to have the future so fully mapped out for me. It was a shame that I didn't share their enthusiasm. If there was one thing I had learned in my short time in Forks, it was that fairy-tales did exist. The happy ending just came with a price. In my case, the price was a family heirloom on my finger and an endlessly extravagant wedding that I refused to even plan. The price for immortality was holy matrimony. It was ironic, coming from a being who believed himself dammed.

I wrestled the wring off of my finger. It was smothering me. Carelessly I slammed it down upon my bedside table. The ring was priceless, probably worth millions, yet I resented it with all of my being. Marriage was something that I didn't want at 18, if ever. Edward knew this, yet he had still asked and I had still said yes. I wanted immortality, and that was his condition. But it was more than just immortality. I had found a place where I belonged for the first time in my life.

The Cullen's were the family that I had never had. It would be fair to say that I was as much in love with the family as I was with Edward. They provided all the stability and security I had longed for as a child caring for an unstable, erratic mother. I had never felt so safe, or so loved. Carlisle and Esme were everything a child could wish their parents to be, kind, attentive, and affectionate. Emmett was the stereotype of an older brother, teasing and joking, but with a big heart. He was my favourite, having always wanted a brother. In the relatively short time I had known her, Alice had become the best friend I had ever had. Sure, I had to endure the endless makeovers and constant fashion critiques, but I loved the energetic little pixie. Then there were the two members of the family with whom I wasn't well acquainted. Emmett's wife Rosalie had never hid her dislike for me. She disagreed with my choices, and I respected her honesty. I hoped she would warm to me more after the change. It wasn't like I was going anywhere. Jasper was a curiosity to me. He stood out from the family, somehow separate from the unit. I could count on my hands the number of times he had spoken to me. Often I wondered if he even registered my existence. After my disastrous birthday, Edward had been careful to keep us separate.

I had an amazing future waiting for me. I had a wonderful family who I could be with for eternity. I had a boyfriend who was devoted to me, who would love me for the rest of my existence. So why was I not grateful for any of it?

Already frustrated, I got out of bed and slipped into an Alice approved outfit. I didn't care what it looked like, nor did I care that it doubtlessly cost more than triple my monthly wage. Ready to leave, I walked to the door and stopped. Reluctantly, I glanced back to where the wring sat abandoned on my bedside table. It gleamed in the weak sunshine, mocking me. Edward would be so hurt if he saw I wasn't wearing it. The guilt didn't recede until I dashed across the room and slid the ring back on my finger. It belonged there, if I was strong enough to bear it.

Silently I stared out of the window, watching the sun play out over the perfectly groomed garden. Everything about this house, and its occupants was perfect. Then there was me, dull, plain, boring. It was clear that I didn't belong with these people. One day I would. My eyes kept fixing upon Jasper who sat in the garden, his face tilted towards the sun absorbing its warmth. The light reflected off of him in rays, dancing across the grass. He was beautiful.

"What are you looking at, love?" Edward asked. I hadn't heard him approach. These days I was used to it. When he saw what I had been watching, his lip momentarily curled in disgust, before smoothing back into his usual charming grin.

"Don't you enjoy the sun?" I asked impulsively.

"I enjoy its warmth," he answered reluctantly.

"Then why do you hide from it?" I wondered, "I can recall maybe three times that I've seen you in the sunlight. Most of your family I've never seen outside when the sun is out."

"Look at him," he gestured towards Jasper, "It's not natural."

"Not for a human, but for a vampire…" Edward quickly cut me off.

"We try so hard to retain our humanity. The reflection of the sunlight off of our skin is yet another reminder that we are no longer human."

"But it's beautiful," I whispered.

"I don't expect you to understand. You are human, and you take your humanity for granted. When you are one of us you will realise that what I am saying is true."

I took a second to consider his words.

"But Jasper doesn't seem to feel that way."

His lip curled again.

"Jasper is not like my family," he tersely spat out.

"In what way?" I frowned.

"It doesn't matter. Let's go and do something together," he smiled his crooked grin at me, and for the moment Jasper was forgotten.

It was a week later that I had my first real encounter with the most elusive Cullen.

Alice was gushing over wedding plans. As usual, I sat with her nodding and smiling whilst retreating into my mind. Nothing could make me interested in flowers, table cloths, and seating arrangements. It was all so superficial. Why should I go through all of this fanfare to appease society and prove my love? I was beginning to believe that my compromise was a little one sided: I got given the immortality demanded by the Volturi, and Edward tied me to him for the rest of my existence. The idea of boycotting the process and asking the Volturi to change me was looking more and more tempting, especially as Alice began squealing about shopping for wedding dresses in Paris. I nodded, gave her what I hoped was a smile, and then excused myself to get a drink.

"Why guilt?" Jasper asked, suddenly stood in the kitchen.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I smiled at him, before fetching a glass.

"Boredom, resentment, a flash of anger, and then guilt. Why the guilt?" he pressed.

"I should be helping Alice more, not making her plan my wedding," I volunteered.

"Interesting," Jasper stated, almost bored. I looked up at him in puzzlement.

"You're a better liar than I had thought. Perhaps you do belong here after all," with that he breezed away, leaving me short of words.

After a moment I started after him, finding him upstairs sat in his study, feet up on the desk. This room wasn't nearly as perfect as the rest of the house. It could even be called cluttered with all the books and papers haphazardly piled around. He stared at me with an intensity that had me shuffling from one foot to the other uncomfortably.

"Ask your question or leave," he instructed bluntly.

"Your family aren't liars," I stated. He tilted his head, looking at me with interest.

"But you're not denying that you are,"

"I'm not going to defend myself to you," it came out as a whisper, not the defiant tone I was aiming for.

"Then why are you here?" he asked. I was drawn up short.

"You think you're here out of loyalty to the family, to defend their honour," he sarcastically drawled, and I nodded.

"Everyone lies Isabella. It is a fact of life," all of a sudden he was stood right in front of me. I stumbled back, but he caught me by the arm, drawing me closer.

"I don't even have to open my mouth to lie to you," he breathed, his voice hypnotic, "my very appearance masks my nature. My scent draws you in."

His proximity clouded my mind, making it hard to think. He smelt like fresh rain on grass, of outdoors and freedom. My hair was shifted over one shoulder by cold fingers, exposing the length of my neck.

"Tell me Isabella, who is worse. The predator who shows his true nature, or the one who hides it behind humanity?"

"I don't…" I started, only to be distracted by his nose running down my neck.

"At least the first is honest," he told me, lips against my skin. The pressure of his teeth against my neck awoke me from the trance I'd been in. My heart was racing, fear starting to settle in.

"Jasper, stop!" I screeched.

"Much better," he pulled back, smirking "a much more natural response to one of my kind."

"Let me go!" I demanded.

"You are a far more dangerous creature than you know. You draw people in with dishonesty, masked with sincerity. You delude them into thinking that you genuinely care for them. Then you take what you want. Isabella, you will make an excellent vampire," Jasper released me, and I staggered away, resisting the urge to run.

"You know nothing about me," I spat, hiding my fear beneath anger.

"I watch, and observe. You are a dress up doll for Alice, a prankster for Emmett, an apologetic mess for Rosalie, a doting daughter for Esme, and a budding intellectual for Carlisle. For Edward you are a romantic playing into his delusion of star crossed lovers. Who are you Isabella? What to you hope to gain out of this? Do you ever show an honest face, or like us, do you wear a mask to hide your true nature?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Everyone has motives and secrets Isabella. You'd do well to remember that," he cryptically replied.

I stormed out of his study, grabbing my bag from Alice's room on the way out. She was waiting for me by the front door.

"Leaving so soon?" her perfect face pouted.

"Why didn't you stop him?" I whisper-shouted.

"Silly Bella. Jasper wouldn't have hurt you. I saw it," she giggled, ignoring my attempt at silence.

"But what about all those things he said!" I protested.

"What about them?" she cocked her head, puzzled.

In that moment, I really looked at my best friend for the first time, from her ethereal beauty, to her cold marble skin. She flashed a smile at me, glowing with its brilliance. She wasn't human. Something more or less, I wasn't sure anymore.

"I've got to go," I told her, pushing past to get to my truck.

"But we haven't finished the invitations yet!"

I refused to go back to the Cullen House for over a week. Too stubborn to admit that Jasper had scared me, my reasons were a list of excuses that Edward pandered to. In the safe haven of my house, it was easy to forget the divide between us. Edward kept me entertained with movies, trips to our meadow, and home cooked meals. Until this week, I had not known what a good cook he was. He made too much food, but I ate all of it anyway to show I was grateful. We lived inside of our little bubble for as long as we could, but reality had to burst it eventually.

"You need to hunt," I told him, stoking his face. His eyes had faded from their usually golden topaz to almost black.

"I just worry about you. You know how hard you find it when I'm gone," his fingers combed lazily through my hair.

"I'm an adult. I'm sure I can cope for a day," I assured him.

"If you're sure," he kissed the top of my head.

When I awoke in the morning, he was gone. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I just knew that it would be a great day. My torn jeans and battered plaid shirt probably made Alice cringe as I chose them from the wardrobe. The thought made me smile. I quickly decided that the weather was too good for me to waste the day indoors. With the book from my dresser, I made my way outside, venturing into the woods. After walking for a while I climbed up a tree, an old childhood favourite.

In my tree I lost track of time. These days it was rare that I allowed myself to become so fully immersed in reading. It was rare that I was even able to acknowledge any of my interests. With a sigh, I turned the page.

"It's curious that such a graceless creature on the ground has such poise so high up," the voice called out. I tensed, and closed the book.

"What do you want Jasper?" I asked. Within the blink of an eye, he was perched on the branch before me.

"You've been avoiding me," he stated.

"You were right. You _are_ observant," I stated sarcastically.

"And you are a coward," he replied.

"You want to eat me," I sighed, "its self-preservation."

"Is it?" he challenged.

"Tell me Jasper, do you see me as a person, or as a meal?"

"To a vampire, all humans are potential meals," he informed me, "the few that aren't are turned, usually for a purpose."

"But the Cullen's are different,"

"You want them to be different. That's why you've been avoiding me, because I confirmed your suspicions that my 'family' are not as tame and perfect as you had thought." He sneered.

"They value human life. Why else would they feed from animals?"

"Of course they value human life. How else could you preserve your natural food source?"

"That doesn't make sense, considering that they don't hunt humans,"

"They've all hunted humans at one point or another," Jasper insisted.

"But Rosalie and Carlisle have never tasted human blood," I frowned.

"Rosalie hunted down and killed four men in cold blood. How is that any better than feeding from them? Whilst Carlisle may never have drunk from a human, he is over 300 years old and lived for a portion of that time with the Volturi. Do you honestly believe that he has never tasted human blood, or killed a human?"

"It was in the past. They've changed,"

"How about Edward? Does he protect you like a mate, or guard you like a meal?"

"Edward loves me,"

"You are his singer. Your blood calls to him like no other. It tempts him constantly, and is always on his mind. Most vampires kill their singer immediately. The call is so strong it is not a desire, but a need. Do you think love can overcome that?"

"I think I'm done talking with you," I hopped down from my branch. Jasper followed.

"Why do you think Edward is so against changing you?" he asked, pressing the point.

"He doesn't want to damn us both," I forced out between gritted teeth.

"Surely if he loves you he would want to spend eternity with you," he continued.

"If you loved someone, would you want to destroy their soul?"

"I'd hand it over to the devil himself if it meant that I got what I wanted. Vampires are selfish creatures Bella. For him to be against changing you, there must be something he desires more,"

"He has no choice in the matter. The Volturi will kill us both if he does not change me,"

"Yet he is in no particular hurry,"

"Why are you doing this?" I asked in bewilderment.

"Because there is nothing worse than ignorance,"

"I am not ignorant!" I pushed through the treeline, into my back garden.

"No, you are naïve and that is worse." Jasper casually insulted me.

"Leave. Next time don't come here if all you're going to do is insult me,"

"I didn't come here to insult you," Jasper corrected me, "I heard that you have a death wish. Consider this my offer to fulfil it for you."

Edward greeted me with a kiss that evening, but tensed and stepped back.

"Did Jasper visit you today?" he questioned, forcing a smile.

"Yes," I nodded.

"Did he hurt you?" Edward asked, running his hands down my arms in search of an injury.

"Of course he didn't hurt me," I scoffed, "We just talked."

"What did you talk about?" He asked just a little too casually. I hesitated, not knowing why and lied.

"Nothing much. I think he was just trying to get to know me as we'll be living together soon,"

Edward relaxed a little.

"Carlisle did ask him to do that,"

"You worry too much," I pecked him on the cheek, then turned towards the kitchen. Suddenly he was in front of me, his face serious.

"Bella, he is dangerous. Do you not remember your birthday?"

"Jasper hasn't hurt me. You said Carlisle wanted us to get to know each other, and that is all we are doing. I'm sure Jasper feeds well before seeing me," I replied.

"You don't understand. How could you? You're only human," he remarked, the patronising tone grating on me.

"Explain it to me then,"

"Jasper isn't like the rest of us," he stated.

"In what way?"

"He's a monster!" Edward growled, "He has killed countless humans, and hundreds, if not thousands of our kind. He feels no remorse, and no regret for his actions. He enjoys killing, Bella. Now do you see why I worry?"

My mind was reeling. Though I didn't know enough about Jasper to discern whether this was true, somehow it fit. There was something distinctly predatory about him; it was why he stood out so greatly from the others. Perhaps Edward was right. His brother had offered to kill me.

"I'm sorry. I understand now," I apologised, feeling a little ashamed for doubting him.

"It's alright love," he soothed me, pulling me into an embrace, "You didn't know. That's why I'm here to protect you. What would you do without me?"

"Probably spend my human life tripping and falling out of hospital," I joked.

"Just be careful. Make sure you are around the family when Jasper talks to you. They will protect you in my absence. If anything were to happen to you, I would die."


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Twilight. All rights belong to Stephanie Meyer, not me.**

**This story is set in an alternate universe. It features certain key events from the original series that you may recognise. Do not assume that they have the same meaning or significance.**

**The characters, though mostly recognisable, are OCC. Remember this, as they do not have the same motivations as the characters they are based upon. If you like the characters the way they are and think they should remain that way then this may not be the fic for you.**

**WARNING:**

**This story will eventually contain explicit language, graphic violence, and possibly other morally questionable content. If you are not a fan of this, I apologise, but it is in keeping with my characters.**

It was my nineteenth birthday. One year since the fateful party that had ended in disaster. We decided not to throw another. Carlisle joked about it, saying another party would be tempting fate. Alice pouted. I found their attitude towards an event that almost destroyed me insensitive, but said nothing. Ah, good times.

This year the fanfare was boycotted by Edward taking me to dinner. He chose one of the most high end restaurants in Seattle. If I was any other girl, I might have found it romantic. But I had always been the quiet night in type, and Edward knew this. Instead of the movie night I had asked for, I ended up being on best behaviour in a restaurant where I was by far the youngest person in the room. The fact that Edward was watching me eating only added to my anxiety. Then again, I knew this would be an uncomfortable evening the moment Alice had dressed me in a dress that was closely formfitting to my knees and a pair of stilettos. So far I had only tripped twice and Edward had caught me, but the night was still young.

"How is your meal?" Edward asked, breaking the lingering silence.

"It's fine, thank you," I replied.

Silence reigned once again. There was so little we could talk about these days. We had already discussed all of the books we had both read, and there was only so much I could stand to hear about classical music. As I was now finding out, we had very different tastes in everything from films to holiday destinations. It was rare that we could ever agree upon anything. Even then Edward would tell me I was silly and I would let him choose. He thought I was childish. I though he was outdated. Weren't we just a perfect pair? Things were better when we had been around the family. There were always stories to tell about the exploits of Emmett, or Esme's charity work. Carlisle often regaled us with tales from his centuries of travelling, or his time with the Volturi that we would talk about for days. If I didn't love Edward so much, I'd worry that I was growing bored.

I finished my dinner. Edward paid, and we set off for the car. Even at vampire speed it was a long drive back to Forks. After a long while, I was just itching for something else to do other than listening to Mozart or whoever's symphonies were playing.

"Tell me a story about you. Something that I don't know," I asked Edward.

"You know everything about me, love," he smiled down at me.

"Edward, you've been alive for more than a hundred years," I sighed, "There must be some interesting stories you've never told me."

"When I was human, I used to sleepwalk," he stated.

"Really?"

"Yes. For about a year my mother was convinced that our house was haunted," he chuckled, "I used to go downstairs and move things around. I always woke up in my bed, so no-one was the wiser."

"So how did you figure it out?"

"I must have been twelve years old. One of the servants came to wake me and I was gone. They searched the house and could not find me. My parents were frantic. They worried that I had been kidnapped or run away from home. Within an hour they had the police out looking for me. Eventually they found me asleep in the park my nanny had always taken me to as a child. They had to put an extra bolt on the door so I couldn't get out again,"

"That sounds pretty exciting," I smiled, picturing Edward as a child.

"Not to my father. He believed that I had left on purpose. He took me to his study and gave me 12 strokes with his cane. I couldn't sit down for days,"

"That's awful!"

"It was the norm. No-one would have thought anything of it then," he brushed it off.

"But that can't have been easy for you,"

"It wasn't until I met Carlisle that I realised that there was another way. I have much to be grateful to him for."

When we arrived back at the Cullen house the whole family was assembled in the lounge, waiting.

"I know you asked us not to get you gifts, but there is something my family want to give you," Edward told me.

Carlisle stood, and everyone's eyes were drawn to him. I had never seen him look more like the leader of this family than he did in this moment.

"I know you sometimes feel like you don't belong here, but we wanted to assure you that this was not the case," he pulled a black jewellery box from his back pocket, "I had intended to give you this after the wedding, but now seems like a more appropriate time."

Curious, I accepted the gift without protest, and opened the box. On a silver chain hang a pendant with the Cullen crest upon it.

"Isabella Swan, we formally welcome you into our family. The crest is a symbol of our loyalty to one another. Wear it with pride," Carlisle instructed.

"Thank you," I whispered, fighting off tears.

Edward helped me put the necklace on, the crest falling above my heart like it belonged there. Perhaps it was symbolic. I finally belonged.

"You've been avoiding me again," Jasper stated.

"Not really. I've been at the house every day," I told him, not even looking away from the television screen.

"Yet you haven't said a word to me,"

"You haven't exactly been talkative yourself," the screen flickered as I passed through the channels.

"Would you stop doing that?" Jasper asked between gritted teeth.

"Nope," I replied, cycling the channels for a second time.

"I don't recall you being nearly this impossible with Edward,"

"I don't recall asking your opinion about my behaviour,"

"You're being juvenile," he growled.

With a shrug of my shoulders, I kept flicking through the channels. There really was nothing good on television at this time of day, even with the Cullen's limitless cable.

All of a sudden the remote was snatched out of my hand. Jasper crushed it in one hand, the plastic casing no match for his strength.

"Now who's being juvenile?" I raised an eyebrow. He just glared at me.

"What do you want, Jasper?" I sighed. It was a question I seemed to be asking a lot these days.

"Take a walk with me," he requested.

"I think I had better not,"

"Is that you, or Edward talking?" he questioned.

"I don't see Edward around, do you?" I retorted.

"No. But I hear his words coming out of your mouth,"

He was right. I couldn't honestly correct him.

"Will you take a walk with me or not?" He asked exasperatedly after a moment.

"I promised Edward I would stay close to the family," I reluctantly informed him.

One second I was sat on the couch, the next I was over his shoulder and moving at such a speed that my eyes couldn't keep up. Jasper dumped me unceremoniously on the wet grass, pacing in front of me as I struggled to catch my breath.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I demanded, "You can't just kidnap people!"

"Kidnapping implies a lack of consent,"

"When did I give you the impression that I was consenting to this?"

"Perhaps not verbally, but you were curious," he shrugged dismissively.

Fighting the lingering nausea, I struggled to my feet. Where Edward would have helped me up, Jasper stood and watched. It was unnerving. Without a word to him, I started back in the direction I thought would lead to the house.

"See, this wasn't so hard," Jasper matched pace with me. I continued to ignore him.

"I see you're wearing your collar," he mocked, nodding at my necklace. It instantly raised my hackles. The stupid vampire seemed to know just how to push my buttons.

"It's no more a collar than yours is," I informed him, gesturing to the cuff he wore. The Cullen crest stood out, the silver bold against the dark leather.

"Mine is very much a collar. It's a mark of ownership. A brand. How does it feel to be owned Isabella? Is it everything you dreamed it would be?"

"The Cullen's don't own me. They accept me as I am. That's why they gave me the necklace,"

"But do they accept you as you are?"

"Of course they do. They're-"

"Think about it. Do they really accept everything about you?"

Part of me didn't want to listen to him, to just block it out and ignore his question. However, I couldn't help the barrage of images that flowed through my mind. Alice criticizing my clothing until I changed it, Edward's constant insistence that I should be more lady-like, even Carlisle and Esme wanted me to be a perfectly attentive daughter. Emmett had never wanted me to be anything but myself, but I couldn't say the same for his wife. Rosalie wanted to force me to be human, and to enjoy it.

"They want to destroy your humanity, to make you inhuman," he continued, "doesn't sound so accepting to me."

"They're only asking for it to protect us all. Carlisle said the Volturi would destroy the whole family,"

"Carlisle is not afraid of the Volturi in the slightest," Jasper chuckled dryly.

"I don't understand," I frowned.

Jasper's head snapped to the right, and he tensed.

"Remember what I told you Isabella. Everyone lies. It's up to you which lies you trust," he quickly whispered, before Alice came bounding out of the trees.

"Bella! Jazz! There you are!" she cooed exuberantly, "I've been looking all over for you two."

"Alice," Jasper tersely nodded.

"Oh Bella! You've got mud all over those jeans. They were designer!" she scolded me.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Come on. I'll choose some new clothes for you, before you get dirt everywhere," Alice's nose crinkled in distaste.

I let her lead me away. Away from the confusion, and away from her brother. His constant erratic passive-aggressiveness was starting to concern me. In fact, I was starting to think he was just crazy.

Inevitably, it was the anniversary of the family leaving me.

My mood was solemn from the moment I woke up. I was irritable, distractible, and withdrawn. It was as if zombie Bella was making an appearance to mark the occasion. Charlie noticed at breakfast. I could see it in his eyes, the look of concern and uncertainty returning. He said nothing. It was as if he was afraid that acknowledging my mood would bring all those months of depressed agony back to life.

"What's wrong, love?" Edward asked me.

"It's nothing," I sighed, staring out the window.

"I want to know what you're thinking about," he insisted.

"Today is just hard for me. That's all,"

Edward had no response.

"What were you doing while you were gone?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"All those month you were gone must have been hard. What were you doing to keep yourself going?"

"Wishing I was with you," He smiled at me, his eyes catching mine. For a second, I was breathless. He was so beautiful. His scent washed over me like a balm. My previously bad mood evaporated, and I was content.

The car door opened, and Edward helped me out of the car. We had reached his house. I blinked, and shook my head. We had been at least fifteen minutes out. Somehow I had no recollection of the rest of the journey.

"How did we get here?" I asked, still dazed.

"We drove, silly," he patronisingly smiled at me.

"But we were talking…and now we're here,"

"You zoned out for a while. You're only human, it happens. That's why you have me," he stroked my hair.

"I zoned out?" I repeated.

"Yes love. It's natural,"

"If you say so," I sighed, letting him lead me into the house. Absently, I rubbed my temples. My head was pounding. In fact, I felt hung-over. Edward sat me down on the couch and gave me an assessing look.

"I've got to see Carlisle quickly. I'll ask him for some Advil for your headache,"

"Thank you," I whispered, but he was already gone. Within seconds, his place was taken by his brother.

"Go away Jasper," I told him, leaning back to get comfortable.

"I want to see something," he told me.

"Well I don't want to show it to you," I flippantly replied, "There's enough going on in my head today. If I'm going insane, I don't need your craziness too."

"Isabella. Look at me," he quietly ordered. I glared at him. He stared at my eyes, a flash of recognition crossing his face before it returned to an emotionless mask.

"Your pupils are dilated," he stated.

"Your point being?"

"You're not going crazy," he shrugged.

"What do you mean?" Now it was me frowning.

"Bella!" Alice squealed. I winced, the high pitch noise making my head hurt worse.

"Carlisle asked me to give you this," she handed me the Advil and a glass of water, "take it quickly. We've got a busy day of wedding planning ahead of us!"

"Can't you plan without me today?" I asked before taking the medicine.

"Of course not. Today we're cake tasting. They all smell equally awful to me,"

I decided that if I threw up, it would be all over her shoes.

"Bella, that's disgusting!" She squealed.

For the first time that day, I smiled.

"If you decide to go with her, she'll be able to see which cake you choose," Jasper informed me.

"Jasper!" Alice glared.

"Is that true?" I asked my best friend.

"Only if the first cake you choose is your final choice," she begrudgingly explained, "It doesn't allow for you changing your mind, which is why you should come with me."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" This little gem of knowledge could have saved me hours of pointless wedding planning.

"I wanted you to have the experience of planning your own wedding," She explained, as though it were obvious.

"Alice, I hate wedding planning," I bluntly told her, "If I had my way, there would be no wedding."

"You don't mean that!" she gasped.

"I do," I confirmed.

"How can you say that? Edward loves you so much, and is so excited for your wedding day," Alice shook her head disappointedly.

"I don't believe in marriage," I shrugged, "Edward knows this and has asked it of me anyway. The two of you are the ones who want this big white wedding. I'm trying to respect that. But I've told you over and over again that I do not want to plan it."

"Are you not enjoying spending time with me anymore?" Alice asked, beginning to pout.

"This isn't about you Alice!" I yelled, much to her surprise. Her eyes went wide.

"Are you alright love?" Edward asked, appearing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Just peachy," I irritably replied.

Alice said nothing more to me, but disappeared upstairs. After a moment, Edward followed her.

"They're talking about me up there, aren't they?" I asked Jasper, slumping back into my seat.

"Yes. Carlisle too," he stated.

"You must think that I'm so ungrateful," I sighed.

"You probably are," he agreed.

"I should apologise. I'm being selfish," I reluctantly concluded.

"Why apologise for speaking the truth? I know you're feeling no guilt over it," he tilted his head in a curious manner.

"Apologising is the right thing to do,"

"Just as sacrificing your own wants and needs for the sake of Edward and Alice is right?" he challenged.

"Wouldn't you do that for someone you love?"

"No," he stated with certainty.

"Why?"

"Fundamentally we are all selfish beings. It's one thing that both humans and vampires have in common. We all protect our own desires and interests. Its instinctual self-preservation. The difference between you and I is that you try to hide it. I don't,"

"Do you believe in selflessness?"

"It doesn't exist. There is always a motive that serves one's self,"

"Isn't love a motive?"

"If you genuinely believe that love can overcome your own self-interests then you are deluding yourself," he shrugged.

"You think I'm not marrying Edward because I love him?" I frowned.

"I think you've convinced yourself that to appease your conscience," he smirked, "but both you and I know that this farce of a marriage is the means to an end."

"I'm marrying him because I want him to change me," I tested the idea. It seemed wrong, horribly immorally wrong, but not untrue.

"And he has his own motivations above his exaggerated propriety," Jasper told me, "the difference is that you have options. Edward does not."

"I'm not sure if I understand,"

"Remember my offer," Jasper's lips briefly brushed my ear, and he was gone.

That night as I lay with my head on Edward's chest a thought occurred to me.

"You never answered my question earlier," I whispered.

"Why are you so interested?" he asked, stroking my hair.

"Why are you so hesitant to answer me?" I responded. His hand stopped moving.

"You know how hard you found our separation. Do you think it was not hard for me?" He asked, sounding pained.

"I know it must have been hard for you. I'm not questioning that. All I want to know is where you were and what you were doing all of those months. It's driving me crazy wondering," I explained, agitation slipping into my voice.

"The truth is I was miserable without you," he soothed, "I couldn't bear being around my family as they were all happy. Just looking at Carlisle and Esme or Rosalie and Emmet was enough to send me into dark depressions. I spent most of the time blindly wandering, and running errands for Carlisle."

"Errands? What kind of errands could you run as a wandering nomad?"

"Carlisle has many friends across the country, the majority of whom he hasn't seen in decades. It was mostly just passing along messages,"

"You must have been very lonely," I sighed.

"I was," he agreed, "but I was trying to protect you, so the pain was worth it."

"What made you come back?" I impulsively asked. When Edward had returned I had been so happy to have him back that I had never questioned why he had returned.

"I realised that I could no longer live without you."

His answer seemed hollow, scripted even, but I accepted it.

Just like that, I was trapped. I just didn't know it yet.


End file.
